Toast! Not the delicious kind!

Oh my goodness. I can’t possibly write a blog today — I have to write a toast! And not just any maid of honor toast…I have to write one for my favorite person in the world, my sister Kari, who is getting married THIS WEEKEND. ACK!

Here’s what I’ve figured out so far:

What Not To Include:

(1) References to Kari’s ex-boyfriends, second grade crushes, stalkers, summer flings, or Jake Gyllenhaal.

(2) Vague threats implying that I’ll hunt Steve down and do something nefarious and pointy to his innards if he treats her badly.

(3) Thrilling descriptions of all the dreams I’ve had about their wedding and the flying camels that were supposed to be wandering around the gardens during the ceremony.

(4) Puns.

(5) Singing (great idea for some people; terrible idea for me).

I’m On the Fence about :

(1) Buffy/Veronica Mars references. (“OMG, you guys are just like Buffy and Angel! Except without the losing-your-soul-and-going-evil part. And the legions of undead out to kill you. And the age difference. And the brooding. And the fangs.”)

(2) Sage sisterly advice from my eons of relationship experience. (i.e., “Boys like food. Well, most boys. Not my boy, actually, but probably your boy. Oh, and whatever you do, don’t let him have the remote control! True love means never having to watch football instead of Ugly Betty.”)

(3) Hilarious childhood anecdotes. (“So this one time when she was like five years old, Dad said to Kari: “look out, there’s a crocodile behind you!” and when she looked he stole one of her French fries and ever since then she’s been terrified of crocodiles. Also really protective of her French fries. Let that be a lesson to you, mister. Stay away from her French fries — and no pet crocodiles!”)

Oh, sigh. It is so much easier to just talk about television. Maybe I could do a days-of-the-week theme. “So, like, if you guys were a TV show, on Monday night you would totally be How I Met Your Mother, with the adorable bantering and romantic hope for the future, which is good, because you wouldn’t want to be Prison Break, with all the shadowy conspiracy and one-handed criminals. Wednesday maybe you’d be Friday Night Lights because it’s heartwarming like you (awwww) and also because I don’t think you’re hiding any polar bears or disintegrating skeletons, so you’re probably not Lost or Bones, which is also good because in most relationships you don’t want to be (a) mysteriously complicated or (b) gross.”

(Seriously, don’t ever watch Bones during dinner. YEEEEEURGH, gratuitous melting body bits, YUCK.)

I’m actually writing a book right now about a girl who has to be in all her sisters’ weddings (and there are FIVE of them! Imagine writing FIVE maid of honor toasts! Luckily I’m not making her do that!). I figured if there was ever a time to write a wedding-themed book, this was the year. I’m chock-full of behind-the-scenes craziness stories, and they do say to “write what you know.” But on the other hand, I can’t include anything too true, or certain people probably won’t appreciate it. And when I try to come up with extreme wedding catastrophes, it just makes me really freaking nervous about them actually happening to one of us. Talk about an unanticipated side effect.

It’s fun, though. My character, Jack (short for Jakarta), isn’t such a big fan of weddings, but I LOVE them, especially when the music’s good, which I know it will be at Kari’s wedding! Because we’re using my laptop, which means we have an excellent backup repertoire of Pink and Nelly Furtado and Pussycat Dolls if we run out of Bangles and Big Bad Voodoo Daddy. Or if, say, my laptop decides to take over DJ duties on its own, not that it’s programmed to do that or anything, MWA HA HA HA HA.

(Er, Kari’s not going to have time to read the blog this week, right? One can assume that? I think so!)

I also like dressing up for weddings, especially when I’m a bridesmaid and someone else tells me what to wear, because I don’t exactly have the innate brilliant fashion sense of, say, Veronica Mars or Kari. Also, I’ve been much luckier with my bridesmaid dresses than poor Jack — the lovely brides I’ve been involved with all had fabulous taste and kind hearts.

Anyway, enough procrastinating…like I said, I should go work on this toast! Besides, I know full well that my most devoted blog reader (hi Mom!) isn’t going to have any time to read it this week anyway. She’s a leeeeetle busy figuring out directions for guests and flowers for chairs and HER OWN TOAST (all right, that probably scared her off even if she was reading this!).

To the toast! Wish me luck!

Quote of the Day: “By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” — Socrates